PET HATES.

You know what I hate the most? It`s the thoughts that you have which will not go away. Thoughts about the past... That is the problem with me - I am a PRISONER of my own past because it is the one thing that I cannot escape from. I am always thinking about it and what has passed, instead of what will be and what is to come. For me, it seems that my mind is well and truely stuck in the past and it seems that I am reluctant to simply let go. Don`t ask me why that is with me, but it is, What am I talking about? I`m talking about this - broken hearts and love. "Have you ever been in love with someone who never returned the feeling?" We are all guilty of doing that. (Some more than others.) It all started on Wednesday,with the season 3 finale of FRINGE, which was on SKY1. The moment I saw 'future' Olivia Dunham (Anna Torv) with her long blonde hair tucked behind her ears like that, sent my mind immediately into another place. It switched onto a different track, another frame of thought if you will.

I was no longer concentrating or concerned about what was going on in the last episode of season 3, but fixated with someone else entirely. I was thinking about "her" - Helen. For those who know me, I was hung up on her for quite a LONG time. (Just under 8 eights if you must ask.) It was a one way affair of the heart because I had built her up in my head as someone who I wanted to be with. How was I to know back then that she was manipulating me into a position where she could get what she wanted out on me, without the need to ask anything. All she had to do was batter her eyelids and look at me, in the way that she did and I would simple crumble. It was something that I am not proud of doing and I missed quite a bit of my life doing other things. I missed out on a FEW good (possible) chances with other women, but being me back then I simply pushed them out of my mind.

It is a shame that I did not follow my head instead of my heart because there was one particulat woman who I liked very much, and I saw her the other day when I was driving downtown. She was the girl who walked past Budget-Rent-A-Car when I was working there, back in 98/99. She always smiled at me and always seemed to take her time when she walked past, as if she was waiting for me to make the move and ask her out. I contemplated doing that MANY times over but I simply wasn`t as confident as I was with other women, than I was with Helen. I guess that I can easily make friends with a woman because I don`t see them as a conquest, merely a member of the opposite sex with whom I can have a good conversation with without the complicated factors coming into the equation - like sex. But hey, we are all HUMAN here.........

... I must make one thing straight here. I am committed to my girlfriend Sarah, and I am only mentioning this in my blog because it is the one thing that has been driving me crazy these last few days. It seems that I am always hung-up with the past, at times, ignored what was going on around me and that has also left me with the inability to look to the future.